I upgraded to the iphone a couple months ago, and I think my favorite feature (other than the maps app) is Instragram. For those of you outside of the iphone world (good for you btw; I resisted as long as possible): Instagram is like tumblr, or like twitter, but with photos. You can follow whoever you want (or request to follow those with private accounts) and see the photos they choose to post. Another fun element is that there are 16 effects you can put on your photos before posting them.
Yesterday was rough. Really really rough. Suffice it to say, I spent the day with soggy eyes and one of those piercing headaches caused by the dehydration of hours of crying. It was rough.
There is so much blank space in my life, and the path ahead is so undefined-- it leaves a lot of potential for exciting things, but also a lot of space to worry, be afraid, and feel alone. There's a lot of temptation to crawl under a rock and be paralyzed; to let life pass by around me, or to move back into a space of comfort and familiarity. It feels like a big fat fork in the road, where my life is either about to slowly fall to a million pieces or gather supernaturally into something really amazing.
In the meantime, I'm sorting out who I am and what I want, for what feels like the thousandth time. Giving myself permission to dream big, to hope for right relationships and a job I was made to do.
I posted months ago about retraining ourselves to hope; to trust ourselves and the dreams inside ourselves. There's so much in the world to disappoint and discourage; I'm beginning to think that success is accepting the mess, accepting the disappointments, and pressing on anyway. Not letting the closed doors and mistakes define the road ahead of us. Success is persistence.
I hear a lot lately about the idea of "learning how to live." The problem of living-- the mystery of living, and how to live well. What if living well really just means accepting that life is a mystery, and choosing to hope, choosing joy and hoping for good in people and in yourself instead of shutting down and shutting others out? Not blaming life for mistakes or obstacles, but getting up, brushing off the dirt, and keeping on with a smiling heart. Seeing that every little thing, good or bad, is really good in the larger sense for daily transforming us into who we need to be to progress.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Wednesday, but there it is.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter!
[top- urban outfitters | gray tank- gap | jeans- levis | necklace- vintage (my nana's) | bracelet- j. crew outlet]
I don't know.
top detail, instagrammed:
bracelet from the j. crew outlet in Camarillo:
Shoes of choice: Saltwater Sandals
You know how everyone outside of southern California eagerly awaits the arrival of spring, and then the arrival of summer? We don't do that in southern California, since it's perpetually summer weather, but what we DO do is eagerly await the arrival of fall. I use the term "fall" loosely here; it's not a REAL fall- not the same chilled air, see your breath as a cloud as night when you exhale, and the leaves change colors fall, but the temperature does drop a little, and everyone gets excited about pumpkin flavors mingling with their coffee drinks and pastries. As some of you know, I grew up in Seattle, WA, where there is a pretty glorious fall and the colors are vibrant and the nights are chilly and Halloween involves at least three layers of clothing. It was my most favorite season, and ever since I moved to Orange County in high school, it's been one of the things I have missed most. It stays hot until Thanksgiving around these parts. Just this past week, in OCTOBER, for pete's sake, we had a couple 100 degree days.
After ten years, I think I'm finally used to it (ie less disappointed by it), but there's still a deep part of me that longs to return to living someplace with a true fall. This is probably among the top 5 reasons I always escape to either Seattle or Wisconsin for a quick visit most Octobers- that and the fact that October is the cheapest month of the whole year to fly. Fun fact.
My newest addiction:
A sweater I got at the J. Crew outlet that I'll be able to wear in Wisconsin in another couple weeks, and then not until December in LA:
I keep pestering myself about this blog, feeling that I should post something, that so much is going on, surely I have things to write about. Work is inconsistent, so I certainly have time to blog in between jobs. To be honest, the issue is that I feel unsettled. My life is still 70% boxed up, I've been staying with my brother and his wife for three weeks now, and I have no idea what the next step is. It's a hard space to blog out of, but I'm realizing it's necessary. Blogs shouldn't be about having everything perfectly put together and figured out and presented to the world in a pretty package (at least, I've never meant for my blog to be like that). Let's face it: life is messy. Picture perfect is an illusion.
This is what life looks like lately- a guest bed surrounded by boxes:
...and a rolling rack of all the clothes I own (minus pants):
"The perfect job" also seems like an illusion to me at this point. I started my current job as an assistant wardrobe stylist in August. The job sounds pretty glamorous, but it's not: I work 15 hour days (and am paid a day rate, not hourly), do thousands of dollars in returns by myself, and it involves way more manual labor than I ever imagined it would (lifting, loading, and organizing thousands of dollars of clothing). It's a freelance position, which means I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm not working. Time I usually spend looking at apartments, wondering if I'll be getting enough work to pay rent, wondering if I even want this job, and daydreaming about starting up my own goat dairy farm in Wisconsin (seriously. someday, I hope to). I also occasionally get motivated to go on fun little adventures in LA:
[at Angel's Knoll downtown, aka the park in (500) Days of Summer]
[a pumpkin cupcake from Big Man Bakes, located a few blocks away from Angel's Knoll]
I guess the point is: life is a journey. Sometimes you're on a super smooth, straight, well-lit portion of the path, and other times things are much less defined, and require a lot more faith that good things are around the bend. I want to reach out to you in this less defined time of my life as an equally beautiful time, though much less seemingly perfect, it's maybe more raw and real.
Also, on a different not, I bought a tripod, so outfit photos will be coming tomorrow! At long last. Anyone thinking about Dressember yet?
I get to go visit some of my most favorite people in my most favorite place (Wisconsin). For a whole week!
p.s. Sorry I've been MIA (again). I've been keeping busy with getting into the swing of the job, apartment hunting, etc. It sure throws me off to be in such transition (literally 60% of my stuff's in storage). Hopefully I'll get settled soon and back in the routine of posting regularly.